So last week I posted something like this..
So from a certain someone wrote something very nice about the posts i put up. Im glad that you enjoy them. But, im not doing all that stellar at the moment just barley hanging in there. It’s tough but i guess when you are blessed with the people that help you in time of need these hard moments in life don’t seem too hard till you look back on them. Moving forward is hard but so is life. House once said everyone lies. i agree in to some aspect yeah these post seem heart filling in make life seem my life all so amazing but its not. Don’t be fooled by the cover. I’m not lying about my heart filled posts and the feeling behind them. Im lying about my i guess reality in how everything is
great and grand. But i do appreciate all the people that have to bear with me. They make life bearable and worth living for (:
The narrator from Fight club once said
This was freedom. Losing all hope was freedom. ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 2
Thats what I thought for a while once i had to change my whole life around and i did feel like
Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer…. Maybe self-destruction is the answer. ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club,Chapter 6
But then I realized that is not that answer as well its something between self destruction and self improvement cause neither did the cure for me. So what’s the answer? I don’t know thats what life is there for i guess?
So i was trying to figure out the answer to the cure. I still have no answer. I’m still searching for the answer for meaning of living out this life i have been given.
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
thats how i feel about my life still.
So heres also another thing thats been on my mind. So i constantly contemplate if i deserve to have a significant other. Many would say yeah of course you do? But put this into perspective: my life is a mess more like i’m a mess i’m all over the place and don’t know what’s right and wrong. Im the idiot who gave up his dreams and let down many who had high hopes in me. and i have all this unwanted drama in my life with the family business +family dysfunctions and trying to maintain my friendships with everyone who i want to keep close in my life. I just think when you cant live honest to your self how can you expect to keep someone else happy when you cant even keep your self happy right? I mean to be honest my life is so pointless now i gave up everything that meant so dear to me and my dreams i’m like living in a life of feeling so hopeless and so defeat.
im sure most people would not want to even deal with any of this but i guess finding that person is also the journey huh? Its just i dont want them to have to deal with so much junk and its not fair to them to be wrapped up in this life crisis im having. Can you believe it im 21 and i feel like im in a mid life crisis already.
GIVE ME A BREAK it’ll be a miracle if i make it 30 at this rate. i just don’t even know if i’m worth anything anymore.